Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
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The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long