Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp