INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”