Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
pls suprot
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]