Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
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Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.