Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
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70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*