I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
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It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.