Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”