If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
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Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
it’s the silliest best thing
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.