[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
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Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond