I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣