INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease