My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.