That’s incredible! 👌
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
A Short Story.