garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
philosophical skeletons be like
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I feel this so hard