I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
You Might Also Like
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Who says great literature is dead?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
is this how new cars are made??
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.