Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad