Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
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