[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Y’all know who you are.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?