A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.