I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.