I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”