Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I feel it