Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.