Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Cannot stop laughing at this
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.