Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
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British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer