One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My origin story is like Harley Quinn鈥檚 except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it鈥檚 instant mashed potatoes
Planet of the Apps.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
scares
haven鈥檛 gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it鈥檚 fingers day
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can鈥檛 say the same things about my boyfriend.
i can鈥檛 believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn鈥檛 shove them up his nose
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
鈥楽up.
Banker: So, you鈥檇 like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I鈥檓 in.
I can鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist