I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
guilty
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Sell your car
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
goldfish mafia
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again