*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…