Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You Might Also Like
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I only eat vegetarians.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
oh u like geography? name every lake
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go