how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.