Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers