Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
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[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.