Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.