Body by cheese-puffs.
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!