I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Word!
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.