i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
This is my bus stop.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Science memes
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park