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Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Close call…
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you