daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it