An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.