People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*