My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig đ
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Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldnât wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to âwhatâs your fantasyâ and now it seems we are closer than ever
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
Weâll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Mumâs will be like, âI am not here to tell you what to doâ and tell you anyway.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I like to use the formal version of peopleâs names.
So like, if your name is Terry, Iâll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I donât know any girls.
Itâs embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and youâve got yourself a deal
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Spring of Deception
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
âThe only thing we have to fear is fear itselfâ shut up. Thatâs not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
did I âkill a plantâ or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Her: Whatâs that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number thatâs insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room⌠but that feels weird
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Friend: [handing me baby] Hereâs the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of appleâoh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
itâs finally my moment to shine
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’