The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
i actually laughed 😩
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”