pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?