Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?