One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Yup
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*