broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I just ran a .003048K