[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.