“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.