[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
So, can we agree on 4 or
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*watches the world burn*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying